Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thorn in my side

Well I survived the first 3 weeks of having a new baby!
Im hanging by a thread though, to say the least.
My life has been turned upside down, as if I thought it kind of already did, I keep getting bombs dropped on me with my childs father.
Its unfortunate, why? Because I am suffering! Im battling with postpartum depression bouts.
When PJ is having a bad my day is even worse, I look at her and just cry....I at times cant soothe her, and its frustrating! Im Sleep deprived bc I have nights where I am ALL ALONE. I have had help and thank god for these people bc without it I would BREAK! My stress levels are off the charts. Im not producing enough breast milk to keep up a supply, its killing me!
I dont have time to myself to do much of anything lucky I even caught a minute to blog. This is therapy for me.
I beat myself up and do not give myself credit for all the hard work I do, Instead Im constantly thinking about all the hurt, and trauma Ive been through. Theres not a day that goes by where I get super angry, and disgusted at what he did to me.... but I cant live like this. I have a baby girl who needs me and needs a mom whos strong,happy, and not stressed out.
I know she picks up on it. and it tears me up I dont want her to feel it another day, she felt it for 9 months inside me...its just not fair to her.
I keep telling myself...
"You can do this...there are people who are worse off..."

I need to just fall in love with Pella, and the life we will experience together.
Its just so hard, and people dont often discuss the "postpartum" part of a having a baby.
your just hear about the sleepness nights, and the poopy diapers.


  1. marcella, i just have to tell you that i definitely suffered from post partum depression. i talked to my doctor and i was put on zoloft, which was the best thing i have ever done. i felt hopeless and that my life was utterly over! and it's terrible for me to think that because my son is so precious and innocent! please go get help! you'll be so happy you did. a happy mom is a good mom and pella needs ALL of you!

  2. I had PPD too!! really bad!!!! I couldn't afford any pharmaceuticals but if you can--it's worth a try ... i mean you go from jagged to boring practically but at least you don't want to throw your baby out the window! (personal experience). Also, the milk wont happen if you are stressed. You seriously need to force yourself to relax. Zen fucking master Marcella. Dude. Do it. If i can do it ANYONE CAN. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!! Be heard.

  3. you can drop her off at our house if you ever need a break. I don't mind screaming babies :) Bella cried the first 3 months of her life unless she was nursing. It gets better! Hang in there!

  4. hey by the way, i changed my blog address to

  5. i just thought of something actually. It's the hormones!! Read about hormones for pregnancy, lactating, and post's not you it's the hormones!


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