Compliments of COLT-MONDAY.COM
1.Hands Baby Pillow
"That’s right! #1 and #2 now come in adorable doll form, so your crotchspawn can have an even weirder fascination with their own waste. But where’s Plush Projectile Vomit? Frankly, I learned pretty quickly that going to the bathroom would be the most enjoyable part of daily life, and I didn’t need no dolls to help me come to that realization."
4.Hot Dog Slicer
"I know all your free time is taken up by your kid, but really? You can’t take the 10 extra seconds to slice up a hot dog by yourself? I could see Karlson buying this so he can toss the cubes in his Easy Mac."
5.High Heels For Babies
"cause you can’t wait for your child to start channeling her inner Paris Hilton!"
6.The Baby Leash
"Every time I see a kid strapped down with one of these, I just think about the psychiatrist bills he’s going to rack up later on in life. “Mommy treated me like a dog!”
7.The Tinkle Tube
"You’re supposed to hold this on your baby boy’s you-know-what so he doesn’t spray the seat during toilet training, and then pour it into the toilet afterward. Insert your own smarmy Freud/Oedipus joke here"
8.The “Time Out” Pad
"What, do you live in a completely round house with no corners, or are just a really big fan of Jerry Orbach’s character in Dirty Dancing? Then this is perfect for you! Now, while you’re kid’s being punished, he can sit on something that lights up and makes sounds! No child would find that enjoyable!"
"Because the father hasn’t been emasculated enough, now when your toddler wants to play “Horsey”, he can toss this over the not-so-proud Poppa’s back and complete the illusion/embarrassment."
10.The Placenta Teddy Bear
"It’s exactly what you think it is: A teddy bear constructed of the placenta your baby spent 9 months with inside Mommy’s belly. G-R-O-S-S. Ick ick ick. Get it off me! You should only buy this if you want your kid to grow up to be like Wild Bill in Silence of the Lambs."