Saturday, October 2, 2010

8 Months!!!

Here we are, my baby is 8 months. bring on the tears.
here goes nothing...
So, I read a fellow blogger Yana's blog yesterday her son is a week older then Peej and her 8 month post is or will be pretty damn identical to mine.
A year ago, I was 23 weeks pregnant, packing up my loft in Downtown LA to move home, to start "my family", or so I thought. I figured it would all work out, I would be with BD he'd get his shit together and we'd defeat the odds we had against us.I mean shit, 7 years with someone you'd think it could be done!..that was me holding onto expectations and HOPE. I moved home to quickly figure out I would be alone. I was going to have a baby, whether I liked it or not, BY MYSELF. the last few months of my pregnancy were the toughest, a lot of stress, a lot of last minute preparation, and a lot of regrets. so fast forward to February 2nd. I officially became a mother to a baby girl!!
I laid there in the hospital bed, ALONE thinking to myself, I want to be best mom, because I didn't even really know what a good mom was. I had ideas of what a strong mom is, and a few examples of "good" mothers around me...but when the ball is in your court Its so different.
Again I had hopes and expectations of the mother I "wanted" to be...bulked up on cloth diapers, bought all the "organic" baby wash, made sure I had "breast like" bottles so Pella wouldn't have "nipple confusion" because, DUH! I was going to breast feed!
Little did I know these hopes I had would soon become nothing more of "hopes".
I had this tiny jaundiced, tongue tied, gassy, colic,acid refluxed, lactose intolerant baby who was ROCKING MY WORLD. Then came the questioning and lack of credit to myself as her mother, "What the fuck am I doing wrong", I remember telling myself "She hates child hates me" crying day in and day out because I wasnt making my baby happy, on top of all the other personal trauma I was dealing with!!! One month passed, two months passed, Pella is still alive, and thriving....three months, four, and so on, and guess what? Yep, I may have purchased every "sleeep aid" known to man, and tried 15 different formulas.. Sure, I left her to fuss and cry in her crib just so I could brush my teeth and shower. I certainly have bought 5 sticks of deodorant to have everywhere bc I am CONSTANTLY forgetting to put it on. I have left Pella in a pee diaper for more then a few hours. You bet Pella has put her mouth on the shopping cart at target. There has been more than one occasion I left my home without diapers/wipes and Pella shit herself! Pretty sure I let her chew on paper, and suck on my cell phone! Does any of this make me a bad mom?
If I didnt have a kid, Id say "FUCK YEAH THAT'S QUESTIONABLE!"
Trust me there are days I think i'm going to lose my mind! I lose my temper, I become resentful at the fact i'm alone, and I go nights without even eating dinner..... But 8 months later I am pleased to say I am NOT a bad mom, I hit some major bumps in the road with Peej but we made it,I made huge changes in my life and I have come a LONG WAY from where I was exactly one year ago! Honestly my kid is a sideshow! EVERYWHERE we go people stop me to compliment Pella and almost always hear "Wow shes a happy baby!" and its TRUE, shes a happy baby!
I wake up everyday to a beautiful happy healthy 8 month old, all while forgetting to put deodorant on and letting her sit in a piss diaper for half the day!
I love my life, and I have faith good things are in the cards for me.
TCB. (take care of business)


  1. you inspire me. so much. although your situation is not 'ideal', i look up to you. pella is beautiful, you are beautiful and you are doing a great job!

  2. You don't know me, but I follow your blog and I admire you in more ways than one. you should be damn proud of yourself, Pella is lucky to have a mother like you. Cheers x

  3. happy eight months, pella. wow, time sure is flying. before we know it our little guys will be walking around and starting first words. crazy.

    beautiful post, you are a good mama.

  4. Wow, yup, bring on the tears is right. You are one of the strongest woman and you definitely inspire me.

    From what I read on your blog and twitter, you are an amazing mom, and your little girl always seems so happy and she is adorable.


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